12 Things I Would Never Know If I Hadn’t Become A Mom

This is me back when I was a real mom. My son is on the other side of Goofy, but I had to cut his picture out to keep my promise of not  posting his picture on the Internet.

If I hadn’t become a mom, I wouldn’t have taken the trip to Disneyland in a rented motor home that rattled and clapped all the way from Seattle to Southern California. But our son had never been to Disneyland and so the trip became a necessity. (The Disney character insisted on having his picture taken with me. I’m smiling but I’m thinking how to escape the overly friendly Disney character.) 

I would have never known:

  1. The words to the song “Little Bunny Foo Foo.” Or that Slash is a real person who plays a guitar.
  2. That you will live in your car for sixteen years, driving your child all over the place to soccer practice, music lessons, after school events, children’s birthday parties, and drive-thru McDonald’s.
  3. That stepping on a Lego block in your bare feet makes you scream from the sheer pain while your neighbors slam their windows shut seconds before hollering, “Can’t we get any peace at all!”
  4. That asparagus hidden in the houseplants (near the dinner table) will fossilize.
  5. That you have poor anger management skills exhibited toward the neighbor lady when she complains your kid did something she didn’t like to her sweet angel child.
  6. That you should never, ever, put trick candles (the kind you can’t blow out) on a birthday cake. Moms learn quickly their child does not think it’s a funny, silly joke. Children want success, especially on their birthday, and that includes blowing out birthday candles that stay blown not. The candles that relight themselves do not amuse your child. Oh! I know that now. However, kids will find it extremely amusing to get a whoopee cushion for their birthday. You will go to sleep listening to hideous. gaseous, flatulent sounds over and over accompanied by much chortling (which I think means laughing hysterically).
  7. That you’re quite good at playing “Clue” and have figured out Miss Scarlet committed the murder. But you keep it to yourself and display a dramatic act of shock and surprise when your child beams and announces Miss Scarlet as the murderess.
  8. That the best thing in the world is the day you, along with four other mothers, volunteer to chaperon the school field trip and as soon as your son sees you at school he calls out, “I’m in my mom’s group!”
  9. That the insides of a golf ball contain a zillion little springy rubber bands that spring all over the house. You just had to give in, (didn’t you?), when your son asked you to cut the ball in half to see what’s inside. You pick tiny rubber band pieces out of the carpet for months.
  10. When in the car with your children, you’re happy to sing “You are my sunshine” over and over (and over) because your kids are having so much fun belting out the tune at the top of their lungs. Then for variety you drop the word “sun” in sunshine and fill in your pet’s name and you’re singing over and over, “You are my Pumpkinshine.”
  11. That the most painful event in your life is seeing your child’s heart broken.
  12. That you will save the paper fan your son won for you at the school carnival for a hundred years.

kids mother-s-day

Real Kids Give Real Answers to Questions About Their Mothers

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.


Happy Mother’s Day to Kay, my friend Julie’s Mom

MD Julie's Mom

Julie = “My mom, Kay, with my niece Haley. She is a wonderful Grammy. Very loving, generous, loves the Lord and sees the good in everything.”


A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.  ~Tenneva Jordan


This person is not a mom, as she is eating the whole pie and seemingly without guilt.

This person is not a mom (I don’t think), as she is eating the whole pie and seemingly without guilt for the mess she is creating. 

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