Death, Eyeballs, and Other Things That Amuse Me

1. TV commercials that ask if you or a loved one suffered death after taking such-and-such medication.
“Hello? Law Offices? Yes, I took Invokana and died. I’d like to file a claim, but please don’t put me on hold. I need to get back to the Godiva chocolate and strawberry cheesecake buffet we have every Tuesday here in heaven.”

"Yes, that's right, I died. I saw your commercial and want to file a claim."

“Yes, that’s right, I died. I saw your commercial and want to file a claim.

2. The coffee cups Jerry and I got for Christmas, given to us by our wonderful sister-in-law who knows how to choose the perfect gift.

Jerry's cup.

Jerry’s cup.

My cup. You see why it makes me smile?

My cup.

3. My cobalt blue ceramic eyeball is one of my most treasured of all possessions. My son made it in his eighth grade art class and impressed his teacher by his artistic ingenuity. She called me and asked if she could place it in an art show and keep it for her future classes. She admitted she had asked my son for his permission and he had declined. “Why wouldn’t he want it in an art show?” she asked. I spoke to Son and used all my persuasive talents and to no avail. Son declined. On Christmas morning, I opened my gift and there it was! The eyeball! (I hadn’t seen until that moment) I smiled. I still do whenever I see it. After all, it reminds me that sometimes when you’re using all your persuasive talents to no avail, don’t worry. You just might get an eyeball that your son wants you to have and that you will love more than any art show or teacher could. People asked me that year, “What did you get for Christmas?” I replied, “An eyeball.” “Naaaah, what did you really get?”  My answer: “I told you, an eyeball!”

I would never sell this, not for a million bucks!

I would never sell this, not for a million other eyeballs!

4. Travel brochures talk of Ireland’s beauty, enchantment, friendly people and cozy, candy-colored pubs, but what brochure talks of garbage? “You might want to get some pictures,” the taxi driver said as he sped through Cork, Ireland. So I snapped a picture of the colorful shops from the taxi’s window. A few days ago, I posted one for my computer’s desktop background. That’s when I noticed the garbage cans. It appears Ireland has garbage days like the rest of us. Now I can’t help but smile whenever I turn my computer on and reminisce, I’m so glad I flew 5,000 miles to get this shot of Ireland’s garbage cans.

Beautiful garbage cans of Ireland!

The Emerald Isle has garbage days. (Another garbage can sits in front of the car on the right.)

5. An article in Psychology Today advises: “Loosen up. No one’s watching. They’re too busy worrying about themselves.” If this were true, why do people gawk at me when I shake my hips to “Sunshine of Your Love,” kick my legs high while swinging two flashlights for the strobe light effect?

Don't worry, no one's looking. They're thinking about themselves.

Go ahead, do the Egyptian with flippers and snorkel and balloons. No one’s watching. They’re too busy worrying what others think about them.

6. Dove candy wrapper message: “Chocolate won’t let you down.”

This is a reminder that other foods might let you down, like turnips or rutabagas that could turn on you easily, but chocolate has loyalty and will always comfort you with its chocolaty deliciousness. Unlike rutabagas who have mood swings, so you can’t count on them.

Is that a promise?

It reads: “Chocolate won’t let you down.” You wonder~Is that forever?

7. At Trader Joe’s, the checker rang up my four items and then handed me the register receipt. “May I have a bag?” I asked and she replied rather tersely, “Most people don’t want a bag.” In other words, most people care about our universe and would haul the items in their arms or shirt. They wouldn’t spoil and rape the universe like you apparently want to do.” I wonder, does the cereal need to be in a box? Why not throw it on the floor and let customers vacuum up what they need. That would save on cardboard. …I admit, I’m now afraid of Trader Joe’s.

I don't need a bag. I wear my groceries.

“I don’t need a bag. I wear my groceries.”

8. Quote by Pastor Rick Warren:

“Opposites attract before marriage. Opposites attack after marriage.”


opposites attract

(You can see it in her eyes, she’s ready to attack as soon as he puts her down)

♥♥♥If you’re in the Tucson area March 12-13, 2016, please stop and say hi. My dear friend Julie Mastel and I will be selling our books at the Tucson Festival of Books. We’d love to see you.

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