How to be even more beautiful than you are (and your dog too!)

Note the royal posture of Duchess Kate. Camilla, on the other hand, might look into the Royal Posture brace support.

Note the regal carriage of Duchess Kate’s posture. Camilla, on the other hand, might look into purchasing the Royal Posture support brace.

1. Royal Posture support brace

Do you slouch? I hope not! But if you do, I just learned this past week how to correct this.  There is the “Royal Posture” support brace that you fasten around your torso and it forces you, by the stiff discomfort of it all, to walk upright like a Royal.  I like the idea of walking like a Royal but I’d much prefer having the big bucks like a Royal. You may opt to not spend the $19.99 for the Royal Posture brace, but then you risk walking like a Commoner. Do you want that?

I read the two online customer reviews of the Royal Posture support brace to see how it has worked for people who have purchased it. One customer writes the Royal Posture is “uncomfortable.” She’s being nice, I’m sure. The other customer wrote, “I’m still trying to adjust” (meaning, “I’m about to scream, but not yet”).

I was told as a child that to have good posture I needed to practice walking around the house while balancing a book on my head. So I did. I didn’t use a heavy dictionary that could serve as a door-stop when needed. Instead I chose a regular book like Kon-Tiki, (a book my dad loved).  I don’t know if my book-balancing practice improved my posture, but I do know I can now carry a book on my head if required. This is a skill that most people don’t realize I have. If I want to, I can stroll out of the library with my checked-out books stacked on my head. By the way, I never read Kon-Tiki.

This man is the Olympic champ of book balancing.

This man is the Olympic champ of book balancing.

 

2. Booty Butt Pads

If you don’t have an anatomy that includes a well-rounded derriere, Booty Butt Pads may be for you. Whether you want to have the bootylicious look or not, these pads have an extra benefit. Let’s say you’re going to watch your kids or grandkids play soccer and you’ll have to sit a long period of time on hard bleachers. If you wear the Booty Butt Pads, not only will others feel envious of your well-rounded bottom, but you will sit for hours in sheer, cushy comfort. It’s like having your own padded sofa strapped securely to your behind.

Some of us don't need Booty Pads.

Some don’t need Booty Butt Pads.

 

3. Saline Breast Injection

This is called (no kidding) “the lunchtime boob job.” For those who want to be more buxom and may have never experienced the gawks Dolly Parton has enjoyed, they can now have a saline injection to increase their bust size. All while having lunch, I guess. The injection lasts only 24 hours, so the big boob fantasy doesn’t give you much time. For one day, though, you will need a bigger-sized bra. But why bother? Enjoy the full freedom and own it. Go braless. Make the most of your 24 busty hours before the improved upper body parts begin to deflate like air released from tires. You might try your new improved cleavage at your next high school reunion. All the former school jocks who now sell life insurance will gasp and say to one another, “Wow!” as their eyes goggle out of their heads. The ex-jocks want to know if you’re married. And of course you are. That alone, to me, would be worth the $2,500, which is what the procedure costs.

“Even ‘I’ don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.” ~ Cindy Crawford

4. Kylie Jenner Lips

Again, this is no joke. A YouTube video will show you how to suck on a plastic cup so it sits tightly on your face. Then you suck diligently for 20-second intervals until your lips swell to plump Kylie Jenner beauty. The young lady in the video actually demonstrates how she sucks a red plastic cup so that it sticks to her face. She looks like a duck with a red plastic beak. She bobs her head back and forth as she sucks for 20 seconds at a time. And, you must wonder, how long do the big swollen lips last? The girl in the video doesn’t say. I’m thinking, if timed with the lunchtime boob job, everything could deflate at one time as the cleavage and lips fall flat.

“Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.” ~ Kylie Jenner

Con't hate me because I'm beautiful!

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful! Hate me because my bows are color-coordinated with my nails.

5. Doggie Nail Polish

Not having a dog of my own, I didn’t realize until recently that dogs can make their nails beautiful. There are all kinds of colors, like Fire Hydrant Red and Poodle Pink. Dogs can even have tiny palm trees painted on each of their nails for that special doggie luau held in the backyard.

Cats may have nail polish choices too. But what cat has the patience for it? Dogs want to please, so they will sit still while humans paint their nails. Cats don’t care to please. Well, at least not mine. Aliwicious, our lovable (to us only) and amusing Siamese has proclaimed herself ruler of all and decides what she will and will not have. When she was a year old, I took her to the vet for her shots. The vet offered to trim her nails “at no extra charge.” I agreed and an assistant hauled an unsuspecting  Aliwicious into the nearby room. Suddenly I heard shrieking and rumbling coming from the room. Then booming noises like furniture turning over. Eeeeee! Boom! Boom! The door burst open like a cannon blast. The wild-eyed assistant held Aliwicious away from her body as if Aliwicious could rip her arm off any second. Aliwicious looked wild-eyed as well, with her fur standing up straight and her tail floofed like a giant feather duster. “You’ll have to trim her nails yourself,” the assistant said in a huff, plopping Aliwicious in my lap.

 

Warning: I get very upset when someone attempts to trim my nails,

Warning: I get very upset when someone attempts to trim my nails.

 

There you have it. You may have already known about the above-mentioned beauty secrets. I don’t know. What I do know is this: right now I’m maintaining a royal posture because I’m balancing Roget’s Super Thesaurus on my head as I type.

Here are a few more photos for your thoughtful meditation.

 

This lady's hair is so heavy she can't hold her head up. She is beyond the help of the Royal Posture support brace.

This lady’s hair is so heavy she can’t hold her head up. She is beyond the help of the Royal Posture support brace.

 

I'm in pain just looking at this picture submitted to me by friend and faithful reader (I hope) Kathy Wilson. Kathy asks, "Does't everyone start their day out in this pose?"

Yoga is known to improve posture. That stated, I’m in pain just looking at this picture submitted to me by friend, (and faithful reader–I hope) Kathy Wilson. Kathy asks, “Doesn’t everyone start their day out in this pose?” 

 

Yes, I want Poodle Pink this week, please.

Yes, I want Poodle Pink this week, please.

 

 

the end. ♥♥♥βϖ

2 thoughts on “How to be even more beautiful than you are (and your dog too!)

  1. Kathy Wilson

    As always, a very entertaining read. Our two cats have such different personalities and so one is so laid back about having his nails trimmed. The other one must be gently but firmly wrapped like a papoose with one paw out at a time for cupping the nails. And yes I am an avid reader… Your posts always make me smile and your friendship enriches my life

    Reply

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