1. Don’t regret. Instead, think egret. It’s much healthier to think of birds with distinctive white plumage than regret some of the stupid things you may have done when you were younger. And egrets, by the way, don’t give you a lot of guilt.
2. Don’t worry. This is a futile exercise like regret. So rather than imagine the worst regarding your spouse, child, or dog who isn’t home at the proper time, make a point to redirect your thoughts to elegant birds in the heron family.
3. Sing in the car. No one in other cars notices because they are too focused on making certain their speedometer reads 90 mph and flashing their lights at the car ahead of them. (Arizona drivers, anyway.)
4. Good friends are one of life’s necessities, right up there with oxygen, Italian roast coffee, and lip gloss.
5. Don’t believe the salesperson when she says, “Oh! You look so good in that outfit. It’s you!” I now realize that no matter what I try on in the store, the salesperson will tell me how good I look. If the store sells brown paper grocery bags and I happen to try one on, the salesperson will invariably say, “Stunning! And why not pick up a second outfit, like one from our Whole Foods line. These green canvas bags will look darling on you for that special night out.”
6. Laugh heartily and ask for a donut when a car salesman tells you their particular brand of car, whether Ford, Chevrolet, Hyundai, Nissan, has the highest rate of customer loyalty. Then ask with a sly grin, “But do you have the highest rated donut?”
7. I no longer take rejection so personally. I accept myself, and that’s what’s important. I also don’t embarrass as easily. Ha, ha, ha, did I just fall flat on my face at your party? I hope you enjoyed the entertainment. Sorry about the broken crystal goblets. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to limp off to the hospital.
8. You can learn a lot about life from your grown children. As a matter of fact, my son is wiser than Dr. Phil and way cuter.
9. No one’s perfect. Some people are better at pretending than others. So the next time you see a pretending perfect person, mentally picture them in oversized, baggy, very ugly underwear.
10. Of all vacations spots in the world, the bathroom makes for the best one of all. Travel agents keep this a secret realizing you might skip that bucket-list trip to Spain if you discover the bathroom destination. It’s a place that doesn’t require a passport and is easy to get to without TSA agents gawking at you in a body scanner. At your special getaway, you may see little hands, or little paws reaching through the door you’re trying to shut and lock. Once inside and alone, you can enjoy an espresso in peace while reclining on the rug next to the bathtub. (Put an espresso maker in your bathroom.)
11. Life is too short to put up with a cat’s non-stop, fire-engine meows while you’re tr-rrrrying to compose a serious blog such as this one… Off to my favorite vacation spot, just down the hallway.