A friend once said to me, “I make it a policy to never regret.” She said this after I asked how she liked her new living situation of sharing a home with her friend. When I told Jerry about her reply to me, he said, “Ohh! She regrets.”
Whether we admit it or not, we all have regrets. Of course, it’s best to move on and not dwell on what-could-have-been.
I regret very few things in my life. That said, here are the ones I do.
1. I regret taking showers in 7th grade P.E. Why did I feel I had to submit to authority and strip naked? I really didn’t exercise that much, so I didn’t need a shower. No matter. I was forced to stand in line au naturel with other junior high girls, all of us dripping wet while holding a towel the size of a toilet paper square. The P.E. teachers checked us over to make sure we showered. If we weren’t wet to their satisfaction, we were sent back to the showers. I regret I didn’t go to a parochial school where no one had to get naked for any of their teachers.
2. I regret the day Mr. Bishop, my eighth grade history teacher, announced a summer trip to Washington D.C. for all students in his classes. We would need, he said, our parents signed permission to go, plus three-thousand dollars. I pleaded with my dad to let me go on this trip, but he said to me, “What d’ya think? I’m made of money?”
3. I regret my dad wasn’t made of money.
4. I regret that I never had a dog as a child. I wanted a real live chimpanzee, but when that didn’t seem to work out for me, I decided to settle for a dog. I pleaded with my dad for a dog. He gave some kind of reason that hardly made sense at the time. “Dogs need a lot of care.” Well I could give dogs a lot of care, I told him. Then he said, “No.”
5. I regret ever putting on platform shoes.
6. I regret I forgot to put the lid on the coffee pot this morning causing the coffee to spill on the counter. The coffee remaining in the pot tasted sludgy.
7. I regret regretting.
8. I regret never living on a ranch in Texas. See my picture below of my dream home. I drew it when I was eight or nine.
9. I regret gulping down the sludgy coffee this morning. I didn’t feel energized to make another pot. Why does the lid have to be on anyway?
10. I regret taking Spanish for five years and not having any reason to speak the language ever. For this reason, if I happen to call you Señorita, or Señor, or Chica, or Chiquita Bonita~humor me. I’m trying to make my five years of studying Spanish have meaning and purpose. Gracias mi amigos.
11. I regret being polite to the friend who invited me to her house for lunch. In her kitchen, she said cheerfully while serving her delectable creation, “I thought I’d be adventurous and so I made octopus salad.” Oh I hoped she was kidding so I could laugh, “Ha, ha, you had me there. For a second I thought you were serious.” But no! She really made octopus salad. Politely, I chewed the rubbery tentacles and tried to smile while forcing myself to swallow. Now you’ll understand if you should ever say the word “octopus” to me and I race for the door and shriek maniacally.
12. I regret learning algebra. All those x’s and y’s and equals for what? I have never used or needed algebra once in my life. I haven’t even needed to write the word “algebra” until now.
13. I regret taking a summer Home Ec class. The dress fabric had a colorful flair. After many grueling hours on the sewing machine, I completed my summer dress. At home I put it on and it split down both sides the second I moved. I knew then I would need to learn Spanish, a more worthwhile subject than sewing.
14. I regret answering a Craigslist ad for Himalayan-mix kittens. Well, they’re not Himalayan-mix. They’re Siamese and they’re bossy. I can’t tell you how much of our life is devoted to meeting their needs. If I only had a dog…
Adios, Buenos Noches, y Paz en la Tierra. (p.s. we actually love our bossy cats, they only bite us if we don’t do what they demand.)